ESL Poetry…De Amor…Revolucion y Puteria…

ANDRES URIT:

 

Cómo decirle a la gente que te extraño, si ni siquiera se imaginan el gran amor que existió entre nosotros… ¿por qué? Pues quizás por miedo, por inseguridades, a los que dirán o por la simple putería que me caracterizaba durante esos años, y todo por hacerme el fuerte el culero el cabroncito.  Andrés, si vieras como me arrepiento, de haberte dejado ir, pero tenia miedo de amarte, tenia miedo de entregarme babosamente como antes ya lo había hecho. 

 

Eran cerca de las siete de la tarde y yo trabajaba en un restaurante de comida rápida dentro de una súper tienda de chácharas…o una superchachareria.. cuyo nombre empieza con una W. 

En esos tiempos mi amigo Héctor “la estúpida” había comenzado a trabajar ya que la contrate.  Me caía bien al principio, pero tristemente no supo respetar la amistad que había entre el y yo. 

 

Llegaste con toda tu familia, te atendió un muchacho filipino que acababa de contratar la misma semana en que contrate a Héctor, el trabajador más rápido que había en la tienda, no recuerdo su nombre, creo que era José o Luis, tu le preguntaste su nombre, como toda una diva, por lo cual le di carreta hasta mas no poder.

 

Me gusto lo que llevabas puesto, aunque un poco apretado para mis gustos, “se ve muy maricon” pensé chuscamente. 

 

Te acechaba con la mirada, me gustabas, de pronto se acerco a mi tu sobrinito, “dice ese muchacho que le hables” me dijo el peque con acento chihuahuense.  Me dije “what the hell” 

Aquella noche, Alexandra y su novio “el wero” me llevaron a mi segundo trabajo, otro restaurante de comida rápida que esta hasta el otro lado de la ciudad, curiosamente afuera del mismo tipo de tienda (cuyo nombre comienza con W. 

 

Decidí llamarte, contestaste, se me hundió el corazón. 

Comenzamos  a charlar, entre mas hablabas mas me interesabas, eres tan dulce, comprensivo, pasivo, como el mar en calma, eras demasiado perfecto.

 

Estuvimos juntos por un mes, no recuerdo como comenzaron los problemas, mas bien no los tuvimos, no supe que onda, fui un estúpido, te deje ir, por poner a prueba nuestro amor poniendo la estúpida excusa de que no me gustaba que tomaras, aunque solo lo hiciste dos veces desde que te conocí… tan solo intentaba no hacer tan evidente mi error, evadir los juicios.

Me arrepentí, y te busque, llegue a tu casa y me saludo tu tía con una mirada acusadora, “ ¿qué buscas?, Urit ya se fue” mi corazón y todo el mundo paro por diez segundos, sentí un frio inexplicable, como si me hubieran dejado encerrado en el freezer del restaurante donde trabajaba, reaccioné, “deme su teléfono, le tengo que explicar” dije “no hay nada que explicar, Urit se fue” respondió tu tía.

 

Intente llamarte un sin numero de veces, mas el teléfono que me dieron no era el correcto, busque en la Internet todos los bares gay de El Paso y de Ciudad Juárez, ya que tu me contaste que trabajabas como bar tender en uno de ellos.  Busque tu foto, tu nombre, todo, pero no te encontré.

 

Tan solo quería pedirte perdón por haberte dejado ir, perdón por haberte ignorado, perdón por no haber aprovechado la bendición que había llegado a mi vida, perdón por que no luche por nosotros.

 

Urit, Andrés o como quiera que te llames, o tal vez te llamas Urit Andrés… ojala y que un día regreses, ojala y que un día leas estas líneas, ojala y que te pueda encontrar algún día…

Solo quiero que sepas que si te quise, que si te busque, y que hice todo lo posible a mi escaso alcance para explicarte mis sentimientos, pero era demasiado tarde, el daño ya estaba echo.

 

Con remordimiento

 

Juan Carlos Espinoza-Cuéllar

 

Pdta. Por favor escucha la canción “The Reason”

HOLA QUERIDOS AMIG@S:

Primero que nada les saludo desde este rancho, he aqui mi disque numerologia:::

 

Name Analysis: Juan Carlos Espinoza Cuéllar

Expression: 7

The Expression number shows us who we truly are, what we came into this life already knowing. This is where we feel most comfortable and how we automatically act. We attract people and situations to us that require our Expression so that they can further evolve. In this way we play the role of teacher. Naturally we are attracted to occupations that we resonate to, so the Expression number can be a strong factor in our choice of a career as well. Our Expression is the vehicle, with all its virtues and vices, that drives us along the path of our Destiny. It is the essence of our identity.

Yours is the path of the mind. Silence and solitude are your doorways into the deep recesses of the mind and the universe. You are the philosopher, the analyst, the seeker and if you’d be willing, the teacher. The time and energy that you spend discovering the microscopic core of things has gifted you with the ability to tap into psychic energy. It is with this energy that you can separate the true from the false.

Soul Urge: 9

The Soul Urge number has also been called Heart’s Desire and Spiritual Urge. It is our secret, innermost longing. Our dream, our motivation, the fuel that energizes our journey. The Soul Urge number reveals what we secretly strive to be or accomplish. Some have said that this number tells us what we have been in previous lifetimes, the accumulated growth of our soul.

Like the number 6 soul urge, your life revolves around giving and receiving love. Your desire, however, includes the whole of humanity and a few races besides. Compassion, passion and forgiveness make up your essence and you are very generous and impressionable. The fine arts call out to you and you may in fact have a master artist living inside of you.

Persona: 7

The Persona number describes the way we appear to the outside world, the first impression people have of us. We may not even be aware of how we are perceived by others because we are so often focused on our inner world, and many times the inner does not match the outer. Persona gives us a peek at some hidden talents we have. The talents that we use to get along in the world and in some instances, protect us from it. It is likened to a bag of tools (jewels) that we carry with us along the way.

There is an air of mystery and secrecy about you. You are poised and sophisticated, and prefer to dress in a clean, well-groomed and understated way. You seem unapproachable to others because of your introspective and analytical temperament. You are the philosophical loner, the probing seeker, and only those of like-mind really understand.

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Natal Analysis: April 26, 1985

Personal Year: 1

This is a period of new beginnings. It is time to make a new start, make decisions, and to forge ahead with the momentum of energy that has been building. The things that you begin now are likely to last at least nine years, if not a lifetime, so make your decisions with this in mind. You have an abundance of energy now that can be used for anything you choose. Health, wealth, and creativity abound. It is your turn to stand alone, assert your independence, and act.

Personal Month: 3

This is the month to express! Start a journal. Write those letters. Play and imagine and invent a new product. You’re lucky and you look good, so go for it!

Personal Day: 7

Be alone. The thinker. Hang out in the library all day or find a secluded place out-of-doors. Profound ideas can be thought of today. Meditate, rest, and listen to Gregorian chants. Wear dark colors to shield you from prying eyes.

Destiny: 8

The Destiny number describes the life lessons that we have come here to learn. It reveals to us the path we must take, and the role we must play to fulfill our mission. Often our choice of career is based on this vibration, and if not, then it will manifest through avocational pursuits. We may attract people and experiences into our lives that mirror the traits of this number for us, so that we may develop into our highest potential. We don’t always welcome our life lessons, so it is a possibility that we may even feel an aversion to the characteristics of our Destiny number in other people, and we may ourselves act the opposite. In spite of the many ways we may choose to react to this force within us, we have been gifted with all of the talents and energy needed to fulfill our Destiny.

You will be given many opportunities in life to learn how to wisely use power, authority and money. Whether you’re the head of a great corporation a great family or a great team, your discipline, persistence, courage and strength is sure to bring you success. You have a philanthropic nature and you will learn in life that true power is in sharing this success. Sports is an area requiring the kind of strength, determination and endurance that an 8 destiny gives you, as is the business world.

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Cycles

The destiny is divided into 3 great cycles, each governing us for specific durations throughout our life. The Seed cycle begins at birth and colors our experiences through childhood and adolescence. During the year nearest our 28th birthday, we move into the Fruit cycle which remains throughout the middle part of our life until the year nearest our 56th birthday, and the Harvest cycle carries on from there. Taken all together, the cycles show us our particular path that will lead to the fulfillment of our destiny.

Seed: 4

When the 4 is the seed cycle, there may be some sort of learning difficulty, dyslexia or lack of application. Sometimes there is a stubbornness that sets in because of the 4 energy pressuring the child into routine, order and responsibility. Fours are usually required to begin working for a living at an early age, even if only to earn their allowance.

Fruit: 8

Achievement, financial success and recognition are all part of this cycle. Everything is done in a big way, therefore the returns are just as big. Careful money management is important as is the careful management of physical energy or losses can occur. Sometimes illness, fear of illness, or physical injury can predominate the thoughts, and even manifest, however, the 8 cycle actually infuses the body with strength and vitality and thoughts of any kind are more powerful now. It is very important to direct the energy in the desired direction.

Harvest: 5

You’d probably be happiest living out the rest of your life on a cruise ship circling the world. As long as there are lots of books on all subjects, entertainment and new people every couple of weeks. Learning new things is important to the 5 harvest. You probably look much younger than your age, and your sense of fun and movement attracts young energy to you.

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Pinnacles

The four pinnacles reveal the high spots or heights of attainment that we are likely to encounter as we move along the path of our life. The 1st pinnacle lasts from birth to around age 28. The 2nd pinnacle lasts for 9 years after that. the 3rd pinnacle lasts 9 more years, and the 4th pinnacle carries on through the rest of our life. The peak of the pinnacle is reached during the next 1 personal year. Pinnacles are like sudden inheritances from a benevolent aunt, they can transform the prevailing energies completely and suddenly. It is useful to look ahead and prepare for our pinnacles so that we can maximize their gifts to us and shape them into the most positive manifestation.

First Pinnacle: 3

Enthusiasm and joy fuel the creative expression that this pinnacle brings. It is a very “lucky” period due in part to the positive attitude and sense of limitless possibility that the 3 vibration carries with it.

Second Pinnacle: 4

Literal building of a home is a possibility as is the building of a family, a business or even a solid spiritual connection, if the creative energies are focused in that direction.

Third Pinnacle: 7

By choice, you may prefer to be alone or with someone of like nature and interests. It is not a time for socializing, but rather contemplation, analysis and philosophizing. Your depth of focus can lead you to uncharted territories of mind and spirit.

Fourth Pinnacle: 9

Some call the 9 vibration “payday”. All of the experiences before now have accumulated into a sense of understanding or knowing, and it is a good time to share your knowledge with others.

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Challenges

The three challenges show us the major influences demanding our attention during specific sections of our lifetime. The 1st challenge influences the years from birth to age 28. The 2nd challenge takes over from age 28 to 52, and the third affects us our whole life. Challenges shape our attitudes and can affect our health. These vibrations that challenge us, cause either an exaggeration of the associated qualities or a lack of them, both of which are extremes which need to be brought into balance.

First Challenge: 4

4 challenge children are usually given a lot of duties and disciplined into schedules and organization to the point that the creative impulse is quieted to a whisper. As teenagers four’s are the one’s who have the next ten years of their life planned; what profession, which college etc… They have their beliefs and values down pat and could show you the file they have them written in. Fun and creative expression are the balancing agents for four, which are found in the three and the five.

Second Challenge: 3

Freedom of expression and communication are the challenges of three. There is either too much freedom, as in gossip, chatterboxes and vanity regarding appearance and talents, or the 3 is fearful of expressing their innate creativity and insecure about their looks. Three’s are often childish in behavior and sometimes play games with jealousy and aloofness. To three’s friendship equals love and they are fiercely loyal to their friends, often to the exclusion of their family or marriage partner. The balance comes by bringing focus and initiative to their creative ideas and expression, and following through when boredom or another idea or project comes to mind. In accomplishing small aims, three will develop the confidence to share more with the world.

Third Challenge: 1

The challenge of ambition and will-power. The 1 challenge holder may feel that their natural will and desire to create, explore and discover, is being thwarted by external circumstance or authority. This may lead them to snuff out their own bright flame in an effort for harmony. The challenge is to acknowledge this tendency and to force themselves to forge ahead and assert their will against, or in spite of opposition. The key is to act upon one’s firm decisions, making sure it is the best choice and then committing to the final outcome. The opposite of this is possible where the challenger is so focused on their own will and desires that they trample over everything else in their path. In this case the remedy is to realize that we are all sharing this experience together, and to act accordingly

Adiós

NOCTURNO A ROSARIO

I

¡Pues bien! yo necesito
decirte que te adoro
decirte que te quiero
con todo el corazón;
que es mucho lo que sufro,
que es mucho lo que lloro,
que ya no puedo tanto
al grito que te imploro,
te imploro y te hablo en nombre
de mi última ilusión.

        II

Yo quiero que tu sepas
que ya hace muchos días
estoy enfermo y pálido
de tanto no dormir;
que ya se han muerto todas
las esperanzas mías,
que están mis noches negras,
tan negras y sombrías,
que ya no se ni dónde
se alzaba el porvenir.

        III

De noche, cuando pongo
mis sienes en la almohada
y hacia otro mundo quiero
mi espíritu volver,
camino mucho, mucho,
y al fin de la jornada
las formas de mi madre
se pierden en la nada
y tú de nuevo vuelves
en mi alma a aparecer.

        IV

Comprendo que tus besos
jamás han de ser míos,
comprendo que en tus ojos
no me he de ver jamás,
y te amo y en mis locos
y ardientes desvaríos
bendigo tus desdenes,
adoro tus desvíos,
y en vez de amarte menos
te quiero mucho más.

        V

A veces pienso en darte
mi eterna despedida,
borrarte en mis recuerdos
y hundirte en mi pasión
mas si es en vano todo
y el alma no te olvida,
¿Que quieres tu que yo haga,
pedazo de mi vida?
¿Que quieres tu que yo haga
con este corazón?

        VI

Y luego que ya estaba
concluído tu santuario,
tu lámpara encendida,
tu velo en el altar;
el sol de la mañana
detrás del campanario,
chispeando las antorchas,
humeando el incensario,
y abierta alla a lo lejos
la puerta del hogar…

        VII

¡Que hermoso hubiera sido
vivir bajo aquel techo,
los dos unidos siempre
y amandonos los dos;
tú siempre enamorada,
yo siempre satisfecho,
los dos una sola alma,
los dos un solo pecho,
y en medio de nosotros
mi madre como un Dios!

        VIII

¡Figúrate que hermosas
las horas de esa vida!
Que dulce y bello el viaje
por una tierra asi!
Y yo soñaba en eso,
mi santa prometida;
y al delirar en ello
con alma estremecida,
pensaba yo en ser bueno
por tí, no mas por ti.

        IX

!Bien sabe Dios que ese era
mi mas hermoso sueño,
mi afán y mi esperanza,
mi dicha y mi placer;
bien sabe Dios que en nada
cifraba yo mi empeño,
sino en amarte mucho
bajo el hogar risueño
que me envolvió en sus besos
cuando me vió nacer!

        X

Esa era mi esperanza…
mas ya que a sus fulgores
se opone el hondo abismo
que existe entre los dos,
¡Adios por la vez última,
amor de mis amores;
la luz de mis tinieblas,
la esencia de mis flores;
mi lira de poeta,
mi juventud, adiós!

Estoy cansado, cansado de tantas cosas, me siento frustrado no matter how much i try not to feel this way, there is nothing that can help it, a veces siento que me lleva la chingada, oh well… como dice la cancion de la Gloria Gaynor I will surive…
Estuvo masomenos el dia en el trabajo, aprendi varias cosas, primera que los bancos odian a las credit unions mas de lo que imaginaba, segunda que el cafe con chocolate sabe bien bueno, sobre todo con los sobrecitos nestle, tercero que bastan dos bolsitas de equal para que sepa el cafe perfectamente, cuarto aprendi a hacer envios de dinero nacionales….despues de aprender a mandar dinero a Mexico y Costa Rica…. Quinto… conoci una web site medio divertida… it was kewl… segun eso fui una mujer Yugoslava en mi vida pasada… i’m like ok…. what the fuck… debe de haber sido una hija de la chingada para que me mataran y hubiera nacido de nuevo…. segun eso fue durante 1650, what the hell, mi profesion pudo ser: guerrera, cazadora, pescadora,  o ejecutora de sacrificios…. ok… it doesn’t really make sense cuz they didn’t let women do shit back then, may be i was a pagan… y hacia sacrificios… o i would just beat the shit out of the bitches in my village, and they considered me a guerrera…. or may be tenia mi changarro de pescados y carnes frescas and i was a pescadora y cazadora… may be i was a drag queen on my past life and people though i was a woman…. may be daba show con un pinche bohemio, cantabamos las canciones de esos tiempos en un bar lleno de borrachos hablando shit…
Era segun eso una persona muy practica, y un poco materialista… a lo mejor era una puta, a la que le gustaba cojer pero tambine le gustaba que le pagaran… “tu sabiduria siempre ayudo a los pobres y debiles” entonces pos’ era bien puta por que hasta a los flacos me cojia y a los pobres les cobraba menos… how kewl…si yo digo que siempre he sido bien caritativo… me dicen el podrido por que me paso de bueno.

Y chinguen a su madre los fundamentalistas

Juanito

Quien soy

entre tinieblas

por que me siento tan debil

si entre la luz de la luna

me agito al verte…

mi historia

simplemente

continuara….

JCEC 

It was not supposed to hurt,

Not this much,

I can barely be awake

‘cause it hurts to think about,

I can barely breath

Without feeling any pain

Over and over again;

 

It was not supposed to hurt,

Not this much,

No body wants to listen,

They believe I’m strong enough,

I’m so fucking sprung,

So stupidly idiotized;

 

It was not supposed to hurt,

Not this much,

Yesterday, I made castles in the air,

Today, they dismantle at my feet,

Tomorrow, it will be hard to rebuild

Because it has not stop raining;

 

It was not supposed to hurt,

Not this much,

I wish I could sleep forever,

Escape from my reality,

Instead of searching the reasons

That led to the end of our relationship;

 

It was not supposed to hurt,

Not this much,

Alcohol can’t help,

I’ve tried it,

I don’t even know how to smoke,

My eyes blur to your picture,

What the fuck where you thinking about!

 

It was not supposed to hurt,

Not this much,

So, what you just decided

That I would be

Your entertainment of that night,

It turned out bad, huh!

‘cause I’m not some sort of amusement,

like a gift card

to use over the weekend,

 

Dammit!, I too have feelings,

Even though some times it seems to be different,

Didn’t you stop and think about it?

Or did you just thought

“What the hell, let’s just fuck

With this emotions!”

 

It was not supposed to hurt,

Not this much,

My head doesn’t stop spinning,

My skin misses your touch,

My lips refuse to resign

Kissing you

Everything has you,

Your prescence

Is in every word I speak;

 

It was not supposed to hurt,

Not this much,

Just forget him,

He’s an asswhole,

Every one around me says,

I wish it was that easy,

I wish i could void you

From my past,

 

If only I could erase you

From my actual present,

If I could only be as strong

As every one thinks I am,

Or at least as much

As I pretend to be,

May be if I wasn’t this young,

This innocent, this stupid…

 

It was not supposed to hurt,

Not this much,

How the fuck

Do you decide

To fuck with one’s life

Like that,

God please help me!

He’s so perfect,

Or at least that’s what I thought;

 

NO!, no, you know what?,

I ain’t gonna cry,

I’ll be the bitch

People made of me once again,

Shit, I’m pendejo proof

Fuck you!

Fuck this life!

 

I’m not playing these games any more,

 

A tear rolled….

 

What the fuck!!!

It was not supposed to hurt,

Not this much…

Juan Carlos Espinoza-Cuéllar

2/15/05 19:26  DPAM